I have had a whirlwind of emotions in the last few days. December is an anxious month for me to begin with. The pressure of making sure everyone has a nice Christmas and presents feel evenly distributed to the kids, holiday traditions are kept, Christmas cards ordered and sent, an amusing newsletter written, Ryan's various elementary school activities were supported, holiday parties, etc. Add to that I faced a major fear of mine and gave a talk in church earlier this month, resulting in a week of very little sleep. I was also bitten by a random dog while I was on a walk one Saturday. I wish my body and brain were more like Ryan's and would crave sleep when I am stressed, but alas. My brain likes to obsess over things I can't control and my perceived weaknesses in the middle of the night. Then Annie hurt her back, and Maddie was having cold, painful fingers that were pale and discolored around the knuckles. I took Maddie to the doctor and she had blood drawn for a panel of tests to be done. The only thing they found was a vitamin D deficiency. But the possibility of a diagnosis of Raynaud's disease is still out there.
Sunday afternoon Ryan's brother called and asked if he and his family could spent Monday night with us on their way to up visit their dad. So instead of the relaxing first day of break we had anticipated, we had house cleaning to do. My family loves to park all kinds of junk in the guest room because it is right next to the front door and the door to the room can be closed. Out of sight, out of mind. But not conducive to impromptu overnight guests.
Tuesday morning was Christmas Eve. Ryan took Annie and Maddie to play Ultimate Frisbee at the church with friends. I stayed with Ryan's family and played games with their kids. We were all going to head up to Royal City for a holiday meal midday. I had a call come in from a number I did not recognize while I was playing a game of Battleship and just let it go to voicemail. After the game ended, I checked my voicemail. I have transcription on my phone and could see a message that went like this, "If you would please call me back at (phone number) I need to talk to you dear. Your father passed away this morning. As the executor of the will, the trust, I need to talk to you ok hon. Please call me back. Thank you."
I don't know that I have ever met this aunt. To my knowledge my dad has/had 4 half or step sisters and one full brother. There was another brother who died in a car accident as a teenager. How everyone fits together, I have no clue. My dad never really talked about his family. His one and only full sibling Mike died in his 50s. I have a very vague memory of his dad, my grandpa when I was 4 or 5-ish, who was old and in a hospital bed and dying. I have another memory later of visiting his grave and seeing my parents sad and trying to dredge up sad feelings but having none. It's difficult to mourn someone you don't know especially as a young child. My dad's mom we would visit every couple of years in Astoria and we always stayed in her retirement community 1 bedroom apartment. We brought sleeping bags and my sister, dad, and I slept on the industrial carpet covered cement floor, and my mom got the couch. Those were our family vacations. We at least got to visit the Oregon beach for an afternoon when we visited.
I knew my Dad had moved in with his sister and her husband in Texas. The husband had called about a week and a half before to let us know. The very last thing I ever heard from my dad was in the background of that voicemail (again, phone calls from numbers we don't recognize...) saying, "I didn't want them to know I was here." Thanks, Dad. Way to stay true to character. I hadn't talked to my dad since last March. But that is a story that will come later.
Sadly, the thing that came out of my mouth when I read that voicemail was, "What? Oh crap! Crap, crap, crap!" Hopefully my in-laws are not offended by mild swearing. Who in the world leaves a voicemail to say their dad had died? How could I not have picked up that call? I called Ryan but no answer. I called Annie and the same. I called Maddie and she thankfully picked up. I said, "My dad died. I need you guys to come home." She said ok and hung up. No niceties for us. But then I was in a house full of people and the emotions were coming so I went up to my room with a kleenex box and gave vent to the tears and snot. I think Ryan made it home from the church in record time. Annie and Maddie tattled on their dad later and said he hit 40 mph in a 25 zone.
I called this aunt back. That conversation is a bit of a blur now. Basically I was told I needed to do my duty as executor of the will and I said I needed my dad's estate binder with his will and final wishes and power of attorney. I'd had it when my dad got sick last winter but he took it back when I wasn't following his then current wishes of helping him lose all of his assets to his online romance money scam. That's a story for another time.
Eventually I called my sister. When I asked how she was doing she said she'd had a rough morning. Oh good, I thought, I won't need to be the bearer of bad tidings. When I asked what was wrong, she mentioned an extended family breakfast that didn't go as hoped for. Rats, actually I get to further ruin her morning.
It went as well as could be expected. And I needed to go cry again.
Needless to say, we were late leaving to go to my father-in-law's. I was thankful that the food and gifts we were bringing had been all prepared the day before, even down to putting the gifts in a laundry basket for easier carrying. Looking back, it was likely a tender mercy of the Lord for those promptings the day before because I was not thinking through my mental lists and responsibilities as clearly as I otherwise would have.
I alternated feeling between sad and numb. And a bit mad at my dad for leaving the state so close to his death. He had arrangements made and paid for that are a moot point now. (And come to find out later of the possibility that he sold those too when he was liquidating his assets for that stupid romance scam.) I also can't help with some of the usual death arrangements and rituals being so far away.
I wasn't really hungry, which was good because the holiday meal was at 3 pm and I despise meals then. It throws off my eating schedule. You can't eat a proper meal at lunch time so you are hungry, you fill up at snack time so you aren't hungry at dinner time. But then you are hungry again at bedtime, but I can't sleep with a full stomach. My stomach is unnaturally gurgly if I have food in there when I attempt to sleep. Sleep is elusive enough as it is.
It was probably a nice family gathering. The youngest cousins were not in attendance so the noise level was the nicest it's been in a long time. I just couldn't enjoy it and wished I had stayed home. But I was expected to be there and I guess I thought I would ruin everyone else's day by not going. Ryan would have been torn about either being a good husband or ensuring the usual family traditions were observed. I didn't think he should be put in that position so I went. I'm sure my vacant staring and overall sad blah-ness didn't contribute to anyone's merry making, so I guess it's all just a wash.
I got a call from the funeral home in Texas on our drive to Royal City. I was quoted the price for cremation and sending his remains to Washington and gave the ok. I'm operating on the assumption my dad doesn't have any money left so all arrangements I get to pay for.
In the evening I called Emma and told her the news. As we were not particularly close to my dad, it wasn't the day destroying news for her that it was for me.
My father-in-law asked when I was at his house if I had told my mom yet? My dad was so private, to the point of secrecy, did I need to? Probably. So I worked up the gumption for another difficult phone call. We went through the usual phone call pleasantries, my mom told me about the food she had made for her and my grandma's Christmas Eve dinner. When I got to the "I have some sad news to share" portion of the conversation, my mom said, "Oh yah, your dad died. I saw it on Facebook. One of your aunts shared."
Really Mom? It didn't cross your mind to A) reach out to me, or B) ask if I had been told, or C) instead of rambling about food when I called to tell you the news ASK ME HOW I WAS. Then she launched into the wrongs he'd done her. Listen, I lived with him too, and have had him in my life in the last 17 years since they divorced so I am WELL AWARE he left a wide swath of destruction in his wake. I hung up after that phone call and looked at Ryan. "Has she always been so self absorbed?" I asked.
He said yep.
My dad was a complicated man. He had his demons he fought. I know he loved me in his way. Not all of the memories are bad ones.
July 6, 1958-December 24, 2024. He was only 66 years old.
No comments:
Post a Comment