Pyschology

When I was in college I had planned to study English. I took my first Psychology class during either winter or spring trimester and it opened a new world to me. Suddenly I was very interested in the workings of the mind. I began to piece together a few things about my family. I figured out my dad suffered from depression, and that the parenting style that had been used on me was very "authoritarian." I asked my mom about the depression in my dad and she confirmed it. She didn't bring up the bipolar part. I called my dad on the parenting style they used, and the science behind why "authoritative" works better. My dad looked at me, said I was obedient and that was what mattered. I had a hard time explaining the seething and loathing feelings that lurked under the surface. And the resulting low self-esteem and difficulty having and expressing opinions. 

Since my dad died, I've done quite a lot of pondering on abuse and psychological disorders. My dad was abused. My mom was abused. I was abused. I think I've managed to break the worst of the cycle for my kids, as I am by no means great at parenting. But I also wish there was some kind of post-mortem evaluation that could be done on my dad. Physical autopsies are done after people die. I wish there was a way to crack open someone's brain and figure out what was going on in there. Would it help me understand him better? Could it help me forgive him and move on? I've spent some time researching psychological disorders and came across Borderline personality disorder. Now, I realize I am in no way qualified to make a diagnosis, but if I could hazard a guess- my money would be on this one for my dad.

I wish I could pull out some positive memories associated with my dad. My brain is only remembering the hard ones. And if there were some decent memories, they are tainted with resentment and anger. Like the first year my mom wasn't allowed to drive and he was in charge of getting us presents. We didn't even have a Christmas tree that year because our fake tree was packed away in a storage unit and it evidently wasn't worth finding. I remember the gifts I got that year. A sling shot and a BB gun. They were the kinds of things my dad wanted us to like at the time, but didn't really scream, "Danae would like this." He was giddy with anticipation to try them out. I think it was that same year, but it could have been the year after, I had a birthday and it was the absolute pits. There were no presents that I can remember. I got to choose my dinner and the movie to watch in the evening. My dad couldn't be bothered to drive home for the occasion. He waited until the weekend to come home because it was an hour long drive.

Throughout my adult life, my dad kept trying to get us to buy into his secret knowledge conspiracies. He had some books that would blow the church doctrine wide open. I was being a sheep just blindly following the prophet of the church. He knew better. Yes, the church had priesthood keys but it "wasn't being led right" according to the scriptures. As if he knew better than the man called by God and holding all of the priesthood keys.

My dad wanted his legacy to be money. He was aware that he hadn't been a very present father. He always threw himself wholeheartedly into his job. His life was mostly his job, sleep, and Kenpo karate. He did sleep a lot when he wasn't working. But after the dissolution of his third marriage, he was intent on setting up his Trust so that his assets didn't have to go through government probation and taxes, and would go directly to his kids. He set up a couple of Zoom calls with Ryan and me to walk us through where he had all of his documents and the steps we needed to complete so we could access his money. He also had opinions about how I was to distribute the money. It had to be based on what he felt were appropriate accomplishments and goals, not as a 50-50 split between my sister and me, or equal split between grandkids. Because you love your children no matter what didn't apply to him. I never wanted his money. He wouldn't take the time to try to get to know his grandkids. He just wanted to work to set aside money for us after he died. I thought it would be better to keep that money so he could take care of himself in his old age. So it's ironic that his "legacy" of money was lost in a crypto-currency scheme and huge hospital bills.