Trials

I got an email this morning with a tracking number for a package coming from Texas. I guess that means my dad has been cremated. The funeral home hadn't been firm on when that was going to occur but enough time has elapsed so... it's done. His remains are en route to my house. At some point we'll have to decide what to do with them. I still don't know what to do. Part of me wants the decision to be made already, and another part isn't in a hurry at all. There are no easy answers to all of this. I'm still mad at him and he won't be coming in my house. He can wait in the garage until.... I have an answer. I do have to sign for the package when "he" arrives. His cremated remains aren't really him anymore, but saying he/him is a kind of verbal short-hand for "his cremated remains." I watched a YouTube video about cremation. The only bits that are left after cremation are just very charred bones in a state of ashes. Everything else burns off. It's simultaneously very gross and interesting, and something for which I am very grateful I don't have to deal with. I am glad there are all kinds of people in the world, including those who can take care of the dead without being totally grossed out.

I didn't stay for the full two hours of church on Sunday. I left after sacrament meeting. I was both angry and ready for a good cry. Those seem to be my overriding emotions these days. A new, starry-eyed missionary gave a nice talk but it rubbed me wrong. His subject was faith. He held up the example of the 2,000 stripling warriors as how we all should be- and how things work out when we have faith. They were protected because of their faith in Jesus Christ. It's a sweet, but ultimately naive sentiment. Abinadi must not have been very faithful then. He died while testifying. In Alma chapter 14 there's a horrifying story about women and children being burned for their belief in front of Alma and Almulek. Were they just not faithful or righteous enough? Joseph and Emma Smith lost 4 of their first 5 children. Man, if only they'd just been more faithful, right? Maybe we are not promised any kind of reward in this life for living righteously. Maybe the whole point of the gospel is to point us toward a glorious reward after this life. We are promised strength in keeping our covenants. We are promised to be able to find some joy during our trials. But this life can be a great, big dumpster fire at times. There are glimmers of goodness here and there, and we ought to focus on those things. But expecting a hunky dory outcome in this life because we are being righteous and having faith in the Lord means you didn't understand the assignment. Because all of the children born into terrible home lives- what did they do? When loving family members are taken too soon, who was the person at fault then? Sickness? Loss of a job? There are too many difficult things people go through to mention. But none of these trials means a person wasn't being faithful. James E Faust said in a General Conference talk, "Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner's fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored in the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd." (The Refiner's Fire, 1979) So, I am hearing "refiner's fire" and "agony" and "purging." Sounds like the dumpster fire I mentioned earlier. Because sometimes there isn't a reason for the bad things that happen in this life. It isn't always the Lord's Will things turn out a certain way. (That's a Calvinist theology- thanks Standard of Truth podcast for pointing that out. Not everything is "the Lord's Will." We as beings with agency bring many consequences for ourselves and others. And other things just.... happen. Welcome to earth- a place of great beauty, but also fires, tornados, earthquakes, and being subjected to the consequences of other's choices, etc.) Mortal life just equals trials and experiences that hopefully lead to growth. But with the restored gospel, we can know that all of us here on the earth chose to have this mortal experience. Now comes the hard part- to find meaning in the suffering, and a better relationship with Jesus Christ amidst the trials. 

Maddie has been sick with the stomach flu for a week and a half now. She's only missed one full day of school all at once, but her attendance has been kind of spotty during portions of the day. At the one week mark, I took her to the doctor. He said that he wasn't really concerned. Many viruses last 3-5 days, so while 8 days is a bit long it wasn't worrisome yet. He prescribed some anti-nausea medicine as we've made our way through the over the counter kinds and not found a solution. It hasn't worked any better than any of the other kinds we've tried. Maddie is getting good at holding small amounts of puke in her mouth until she finds a receptacle for her stomach contents. It doesn't seem to matter if she has food or drink in her stomach in the morning. She pukes anyway. The issue with the "lower end" has gotten better. But I don't know if that's happening because she is getting better, or the anti-diarrhea medicine we give her in the evenings is helping. She can get small amounts to stay down in the late afternoon and evening time. We can go into the doctor again if she isn't better by next week. So we are counting down the days.

On a completely unrelated note, here's a story from last week.

Ryan and I cuddle when we first get to bed at night. One night as we are spooning and Ryan's head is resting on my pillow, Ryan announces, "It's time for you to buy a new pillow." 

"Oh?" I said. "Are you wanting my pillow now?"

He said his was flat and lumpy and he was ready for mine. We have this weird tradition where I get a nice, thick, fluffy pillow and use it until it's halfway to retirement. At that point, Ryan wants it. He doesn't like new, fluffy pillows of his own. He likes my used ones. I used to buy new pillows two at a time, but Ryan prefers this method. It's peculiar, but it works for us.