Emotional Melt Down

 Yesterday was a rough day. It was a culmination of several things that lead to just an absolute meltdown. 

Over the weekend, I knew that Christmas break was coming to an end and I wanted to end the break on a positive note with my family. I think I stuffed down my emotions, which ultimately comes back to bite with a vengeance. But I wanted to have some good interactions. It didn't help that entering into the new year, Primary always switches things up. We had a new Primary Presidency called about a month ago and they are still figuring things out. My request to know what the plans were the Sunday before was met with no answers. The Friday before Sunday, I asked again. I was probably being moved up to the oldest Primary class. Would we be teaching? Was there a plan? Again, just a plea to be flexible. Well, it was my teaching partner's turn to teach that week so I was more than happy to let her do the heavy lifting on the "flexible" part. We got to Primary and then I found out that I was being moved up to the oldest class, but my teaching partner was staying with our current age group. Also, no class list was given. Who am I to expect in this group? We were missing at least a third of our primary kids. Who all is going to be in the class? Who all is moving into the class? Who is going to be my partner? To quote Nate Bargatze's George Washington, "Nobody knows." My life is a chaotic, emotional disaster, with demands and expectations and so many unknowns, and this is not ok. I am not ok.

But I held it together. I had a decently nice day with Elizabeth on Monday, after Ryan, Annie and Maddie started school again. 

But the calls and messages keep coming. Death is a major disruptor. And a well-meaning friend of my dad's reached out to say how much she admired him and thought he was a good man. I let that slide, even if I disagreed. But then I find out she also reached out to my mom and sister, and suddenly it wasn't ok. So I sent her a link to my blog, and another message. "This is the man you admire. The side of him maybe you didn't see. Please don't bother to tell me or my mom or my sister how much you admired him. If we cut him out of our lives, it was for good reason. No one should be subjected to his controlling, angry, paranoid, egotistical behavior all of the time. Abusers are experts at hiding. And they insist on their victims also hiding their behavior. I am sick of the hiding. He will no longer be in control of what I share. I tried so hard to respect his wishes while he was alive. But he is not here anymore, and I am dealing with the fallout of the years of abuse." It turns out, mom and my sister also sent messages saying what he was like to live with. Poor lady, she had no idea what kind of hornet's nest she was kicking up. She did apologize though. I'll give her that.

I deliberately shared my blog with all of my in-laws. I really am tired of hiding the shame and pain. They had no idea it was as bad as all that. My father-in-law sent a message that was a balm to my soul. "Danae, I read your blog. Thank you sweetheart for turning out as wonderful as you did. To Kim and me, you are another daughter. I had no idea that it was as bad as that. No one deserves a childhood like that. That is not a childhood. Grief has no set rules. Grief is emotional. Grief is not logical. Anger, sorrow, guilt, relief, confusing, not knowing what to do next, more anger, and anxiety over not knowing what is going to happen next are NORMAL reactions. Our losing Kim was such a different scenario than what you had to go through in your formative years. Your time with you dad can only be described as hell. And yet in your mind he was your dad. You want to have fond memories but when you can't find them it does make you mad, sad, etc. I lost the very best days or time periods in my entire life. I don't know if I could have written a better life if I tried. I could not have been like your dad. I did not raise my sons to be able to be like that. I guess what I am trying to say is that we (both Kim and I) love you so very much. We are proud of who you are and what you have done in your family and your life. Anything I can do, anything I have, if you need it, it is yours. I wish I could give you a hug and say it's ok to feel the way you do and don't let anyone tell you differently. -Rick Now I am your dad"

See- these are sentiments that should come from a father. And he did raise good sons. Both of his sons married women who were damaged by unhealthy fathers and we snatched up a good thing when we saw it! Somehow, despite the odds not being in our favor.

So Tuesday morning arrived and I took Elizabeth with me to the temple. She was meeting her cousin there because that's where I needed to be at 6:15 am. Megan said she would be there at 6:30 am, and she hasn't been good about being on time in the mornings in my experience. I figured I could go to my temple worker prep meeting and then have a little more Elizabeth time before she left. I was wrong. I didn't put my phone on airplane mode when I went into the temple like I always do, so I saw the group message come through that Megan had arrived at 6:20. So as soon as I was dressed I went out to the portico and yelled out the door for Elizabeth to come give me a hug before she left. And she did, and gave me the keys to the van she had used for transferring her bags to her cousins car. I was a minute late getting to my prep meeting. The opening prayer had already be given, so I slinked in. 

Our worker meetings include an instruction video training, and this one was the emotionally charged one. It is essentially how to treat any and everyone coming into the temple with kindness and consideration no matter what their actions (like arriving late) or clothing since we don't know what they are dealing with. It has a young couple who just lost a baby. Well, death and pain didn't just prick me. It poured flaming alcohol in an already angry, red wound. The tears started, and the hiccups and sobs were well on their way. I dashed out of the room into a hallway restroom. This one has no stalls, so you can lock the door and have privacy. I cried for an hour. I thought I had it under control about 40 minutes in. I had been sitting on the floor (it was that or on the toilet...) so I stood up to see the damage crying had done to my face and how I might be able to fix it. I looked at my face and it set me off again. "Why Lord? Of all the days to have that training video, why did it have to be today? Why is my family like it is? Why is it so hard to send Elizabeth off? Why did I lose the parent toss? Why does anguish feel so bad? I didn't even like my dad. I love him, but he was so hard to deal with. Why am I grieving so hard? Why must I have to relive all these awful experiences right now?" And on and on and on. Finally I sent a prayer that I could make it to the temple worker women's dressing room without running into anyone. Could anyone hear my sobbing in the bathroom? I saw one brother, but my eyes were down and I dashed by. I grabbed my phone and sat in that bathroom. Again, no stalls- just a locking door. My new favorite thing. I texted Ryan. I checked in with Elizabeth. I looked at my schedule. My first "real" assignment (something that actually requires my attendance, not sitting in the portico or Celestial Room) was about 8:20. I had 15 minutes. Maybe I could read scriptures, keep my eyes down, and hold it together until then. My face gave me away. Very kind, well meaning people asked if I was ok. My shift coordinator was heading my way (I had given her a heads up on the situation before yesterday) and I headed her off. "Please don't ask me how I am doing." I made it through that first assignment, not very pleasantly and kindly like temple workers should, and broke down. The assistant coordinator was there and she had no clue what I was going through. Too bad there isn't a way to write down: "My dad died. He was abusive, controlling, kept us isolated and in fear, paranoid, manipulative, and now I am in charge of discharging his debts and closing everything down, and figuring how and where to bury him, and dealing with other relatives who are equally angry at him" so I don't have to verbally explain through the crying. It's tough. After about 5 minutes, the member of the temple presidency who was there that day came up to me as we were talking and said, "I don't know what you are going though, but I wanted you to know I said a prayer for you." Thanks. I love it when I make a spectacle of myself. I'm in this weird spot where I want sympathy but also sometimes hate it at the same time.  

My sweet assistant coordinator suggested I could go to the Celestial Room. I was feeling too angry to feel worthy of being there. Besides, temple workers are supposed to add to the overall feeling of welcome and kindness and reverence, and my sobbing is kind of the opposite of that. So I apologized for not fulfilling my obligations, and left. 

I cried so much yesterday. I had a headache. My body ached. I made a promise to myself that I would at least go for a walk everyday so I did manage that. I am so tired. I feel so wimpy. Last month I managed a mile in just under 9 minutes, and I was trying to build on that momentum. The last time I had a good run was Christmas Eve, just before that eventful voicemail. I've tried to run since then, but can only manage one slow mile before needing a walking break. This has just completely wiped me out. I'm frustrated that I am losing fitness. I'm angry that this is one more thing my dad has stolen from me. 

I got a package Monday from my aunt with my dad's things: his phone, his tablet, his bills, some memory sticks, his wallet and passport, some photos (his dad, his karate friends, and some landscape photos?!?!), and my very favorite- a baggie with 4 pairs of toe nail clippers. Really? That's something I needed? 

Last night I took control of the tv remote. I was way too wiped for anything that required my participation, like reading. I found a documentary that had zero emotional pull, just some mild interest. It's a Netflix series called "Ancient Apocalypse" where the host is trying to find evidence of an advanced human civilization well before scientists have said it was possible. And how there is evidence that leaks through into many far-reaching cultures that tie them together from this one lost civilization. I'm enjoying it.