Feel The Thunder

I struggle with change.  I wish it would be easier for me to just "go with the flow" and not incessantly worry about everything.  For example, I just got switched from my CTR 6 class in junior primary to the Val 10.  I've never been a senior primary teacher before.  I have been in the primary presidency and done sharing time for senior primary, and I have spent years teaching junior primary.  I was sad to get the voicemail from our new primary president while we were in Utah.  I checked my phone after our temple open house tour, and because my cell phone bluetooth got picked up by our minivan the whole car got to hear Sis. W telling me of the switch.  And my subsequent murmuring.  At this point I despair of ever being able to gladly do the Lord's will.  Everything requires an internal pep talk to quell the moaning and groaning.  

Last Thursday I substituted.  It isn't getting easier yet.  I had one munchkin having a terribly difficult time keeping their body to themselves and in their own spot at carpet.  When asked to go sit in their chair at their table for some space away from others, exclaims, "Great! Now I don't have to learn!"  And then during lunch, I called Ryan for a some suggestions to turn this particular tiny human's attitude around when they came back from recess.  I knew he was on his way to a job fair in Moscow, ID with another principal.  I knew he was the one driving.  I had hoped they had already arrived, but they hadn't.  I substitute at this other principal's school.  Cue awkward conversation on speaker phone. *face palm*

Friday I dropped Emma off at her very first driver's ed class.  Scary.

Sunday morning at 8:15 am I got a text from the primary president asking me to also teach Valiant 9 class because their teacher wouldn't be there.  New class plus extra kids.  The anxiety kicks into high gear.

The ironic part of it all was this week's lesson was on trusting the Lord, and the story of Abraham and Issac.  I have to give myself a pep talk to do a measly (new) primary calling.  I feel pretty pathetic.  I'm not being asked to give birth at 90 years old.  I'm not being asked to sacrifice my child whom was long promised and would somehow be the link to descendents numbered like the stars in the heavens.  I have a very long way to go before I have faith and trust like that.

To top this all off, it's that time of the month I lose all energy and will to be productive.  I want to hide out under a blanket and ignore the world with my bottle of ibuprofen and hot water bottle, either with a good book or some episodes of Cranford.  The weather has been dismal, with rain and and a lot of wind.  Ryan has a pretty solid week of evening meetings, and my greatest wish is to be a hermit.  But I know that will not make me feel better.  So today, rain or shine, I was determined to put on my running shoes and get outside.  After my morning volunteering at school. 

As it turns out, it was only cold and windy.  You can see ripples from the wind in the canal.

I am impressed with people who can take good photos of themselves while running.  I make weird faces.  My audiobook is done, so I was left with whatever music is on my phone.  This is decided by my and the kids' favorite songs of the moment.  The wind was strong and kind of cold, so it pushed me to finish my loop as quickly as possible.  I am not a good runner, and I probably look like it, but I find it's one thing that can shake me out of my anxious state.  So, my feet pounded away to "Thunder" and "Cheap Thrills" and "Shut Up and Dance."  As I rounded the last section of the canal, there were steady winds at 18-20 mph (I checked).  And even though "Fight Song" was the anthem of the moment, running headlong into that wind was too much, and I decided to walk the rest.

At least I have that accomplished for today.  Now, I need to stack the kids' folded laundry in their baskets, and clean up from our lazy Sunday.

Maybe it's time for some more music.